Starting Over Again
by Zephyr Seraphim
Summary: Willow/Spike, Cordelia/Angel. Willow does something unforgivable and retreats to L.A.
1. Never Again

_He's drunk again, it's time to fight  
She must have done something wrong tonight  
The living room becomes a boxing ring  
It's time to run when you see him clenching his hands  
She's just a woman...never again._  
  
Willow wasn't sure when it had begun but it had become routine. Sometimes he could be so sweet and tender, she'd fall in love with him all over again. But then he'd go out with his friends, get drunk and their happy suburban home would become a battlefield. The simplest things could set him off and Willow - the same Willow Rosenberg that had fought the legions of Hell - would be terrified.  
  
_I hear her scream from down the hall  
Amazing she can even talk at all  
She calls to me..."go back to bed"  
I'm terrified that she'll wind up dead in his hands  
She's just a woman...never again._  
  
"What the hell is it with you, Willow?!" he screamed.  
  
"N-nothing," Willow stammered.  
  
"Mama?" a tiny voice came from behind her. Willow turned to face her son, his tiny cherubic face staring up at her...eyes full of confusion and brimming with unshed tears.  
  
"Alex, honey, be a good boy and stay in your room, don't come out no matter what you hear. Okay, baby?" she said.  
  
The boy stiffened but at the pleading look in his mother's eyes, he went back to his bedroom and Willow let out a sigh of relief. At least, Steven hadn't hurt Alex, she could think the goddess for that. While she stared after Alex, Steven struck, she landed hard on the glass coffee table, the table shattering underneath the force.

* * *

_Just tell the nurse you slipped and fell  
It starts to sting as it starts to swell  
She looks at you...she wants the truth  
It's right out there in the waiting room with those hands  
Lookin' just as sweet as he can...never again._  
  
Two hours later, Willow sat on the doctor's examination table with Alex standing beside her. "What happened, Mrs. Sullivan?" the woman asked as she tended to a particularly nasty knot on Willow's forehead.  
  
Alex's eyes pleaded with her to tell the truth. "I-I fell," Willow said.  
  
"You seem to fall a lot, don't you?" the nurse replied.  
  
"What can I say, I'm a klutz," the redhead answered, trying for a smile.  
  
"Are you ready to go, honey?" Steven asked from behind Willow.  
  
"Sure," Willow stated, trying for a smile as her husband led her out of the hospital.  
  
_Seen it before but not like this  
Been there before but not like this  
Never before have I seen it this bad  
She's just a woman...never again._

* * *

_Father's a name you haven't earned yet  
You're just a child with a temper  
Haven't you heard "don't hit a lady"  
Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure._  
  
Months had gone by without another fight between Willow and Steven, now Willow and Alex sat at the dinner table, eating their dinner.  
  
Alex's eyes still held accusation in them as he looked at his barely-touched food. "Why didn't you tell the doctor the truth, Mama?" he asked.  
  
"I-I couldn't..." Willow said, defeat evident in her voice. She had tried so many times to leave with Alex but she always fell for Steven's apologies and wooing. "Aren't you going to eat, sweetie?"  
  
"I'm not hungry," Alex answered as he stomped off to his bedroom.  
  
Willow cleaned off the table and few minutes later, she went to tuck him in. She looked at him, smiling faintly. He had red hair that was naturally curly, freckles danced over his face...but the thing that always got her were his big green eyes. He looked like a male seven-year-old version of herself.  
  
Willow frowned, that's what had started the first fight. Before Willow had quit her job at a software firm, she had a friend there, Timothy O'Flannery...he was younger than her, the mail boy, he was charming, Irish and he had curly red hair and green eyes. Steven had thought that Alex was Timothy's, Willow had never had more than a close friendship with Timothy.  
  
Willow jumped as she heard the front door open. She kissed Alex's forehead and left his bedroom, closing the door behind her. "Hi, honey," she said, grinning.  
  
Steven just glared at her and Willow swallowed hard. "W-what's wrong, Steven?" she stammered.  
  
_He's drunk again, it's time to fight  
Same old shit, just on a different night  
She grabs the gun, she's had enough  
Tonight you'll find out how fuckin' tough is this man  
Pulls the trigger fast as she can...never again._  
  
"You are. You're the cause of all my fuckin' problems," he growled, grabbing her throat. She gasped for breath as she dug her nails into his hand.  
  
He howled with pain, holding his injured hand and Willow raced down the hallway into their bedroom. She slammed the door and locked it behind her. She stumbled to the table by Steven's side of the bed and grabbed the gun he kept there. She made sure the safety was off.  
  
Just as he slammed the door open. "STAY AWAY!" Willow screamed.  
  
"No!" he growled, charging at her. She jerked back the trigger back and time stood still as the bullet sliced through his chest. The gun fell from Willow's hands.  
  
"Oh, my God," she whimpered. She raced to the closet and quickly filled a suitcase with as many of her things she could fit in it. She started for the hallway, tripping over his body. She jumped up and went into Alex's room. "Honey, wake up."  
  
"Mama, what's wrong?" he asked.  
  
"We're just going on a trip, baby. Let's get our things together and go," Willow told him. They quickly packed Alex's things and she drove them to the airport. They were going to the only place she knew she'd be welcomed: L.A.  
  
_Seen it before but not like this  
Been there before but not like this  
Never before have I ever seen it this bad  
She's just a woman...never again._


	2. Changes

Willow stroked Alex's hair slowly as they sat on the plane, he was asleep in the window seat, curled up with his head on her lap. He had slept since they had left and Willow thanked the Goddess that he had, she couldn't explain what she'd done. She'd killed his father, the only man in their family he'd really known. Steven's father, Alex's namesake, had died of a heart attack twelve years before Willow'd even met Steven. Alex had talked to Ira and Sheila on the phone who had refused to come see him, demanding that Willow and Steven bring him to see them.  
  
Willow had adamantly refused to go back to Sunnydale, not after what had happened between her, Buffy and Dawn. The redhead had been high on magick and had wrecked a stolen car with Dawn in it. Dawn had fractured her arm...that had been the last straw for Buffy. Willow closed her eyes as she remembered the conversation they had had.  
  
"Get up," Buffy demanded, a harsh edge to her voice.  
  
"I screwed it up, everything, Tara..." Willow cried. Buffy jerked Willow to her feet.  
  
"Yeah, you know what, you did screw up, okay? You could have killed her! You almost did!" Buffy growled.  
  
"I know! I know! I can't stop, Buffy! I tried and I can't. I can't! I can't, I ju...God, I need help," Willow sobbed.  
  
Buffy glared at the redhead. "Yeah, you need help and not from us. You did this to yourself: you're on your own, Willow."  
  
"Please! Please help me, please," Willow begged.  
  
"**No**! You almost killed my sister, the only family I **have left** - unless you count an absent-tee father! I am sick and tired of you and your magick," Buffy stated coldly. "I **never** want to see you **ever** again. Get out of my life, get out of my town."  
  
And so Willow had left, gone to New York where she had accepted the job she had been offered at Sunnydale High's Career Week, just before Kendra had come to town. She worked hard and finally overcame her magick addiction and completed college at NYU. Then she had met Steven Andrew Sullivan. He was a smart-aleck and at first she hadn't liked him until a professor begged her to tutor him.  
  
Willow tutored him and slowly she fell in love with him, he was charming and witty and **normal**...his normalcy demanded that she be normal as well. A year later, they married and Willow had quit her job. Barely a year after their marriage, Alex was born. And Willow's life was complete...until the fighting started. Now Steven was dead.  
  
The redhead winced as Alex murmured something in his sleep. Her eyes turned to him, he was her world and she wasn't going to lose him. The plane landed an hour later, Willow woke Alex and they collected their baggage. Willow hailed a taxi and gave him the directions to the Hyperion Hotel. "Mama, where are we going?" Alex asked.  
  
"To one of mommy's friends, baby," she answered as she stared out the window, trying to think of anything she could say to validate her reason for coming to L.A. without telling the truth.  
  
The cab stopped. "That'll be twenty dollars, ma'am," the driver said. Willow nodded and dug a bill out of her wallet.  
  
"Here," she said as she and Alex left the cab to grab their things.  
  
Noticing the woman was unaware that she had given him an eighty dollar tip, the driver smirked. With a quick nod and a "thank you, ma'am" the driver drove off, leaving Willow and Alex staring at the Hyperion. "Your friend owns this place?" Alex asked with awe.  
  
"Yeah, he does," Willow replied, squeezing Alex's hand. Taking a deep breath, Willow set down her suitcase and opened the door, Willow picked up her suitcase and entered the bulding. Angel stood in the lobby with Cordelia, Wesley, a girl, a guy, some green creature and a little boy that looked to be a little older than Alex.  
  
"Did Daddy tell you about him going all grr-y and doing his hi-yah!" the boy exclaimed, imitating karate. "He **so** kicked that demon's a..." he trailed off as the adults looked at him, "...butt."  
  
"Connor, did Daddy tell you that it's ten o'clock and it's time for little boys to be in bed?" Cordelia stated.  
  
"Mom!" the boy whined. "It's Saturday!"  
  
"And it's your bedtime," Cordelia replied, Connor frowned as he realized that he wasn't going to get away with this one.  
  
"That boy's not in bed!" Connor said, gesturing towards Alex and Willow. Six pairs of eyes flew to the pair.  
  
"Willow?" Angel asked with awe.  
  
Willow stared at Angel, tightening her grip on Alex's hand. "Um...Angel, is it okay if we stay here?"


	3. Paint It, Black

"Um...Angel, is it okay if we stay here?"  
  
"Of course," Cordelia answered, looking at Fred.  
  
"Let's go find you a room," Fred stated, "I'm Fred, by the way, we kinda met before."  
  
"Oh, right...when Buffy died," Willow answered, the slightest hint of contempt in her voice at the name of her former friend. Fred grabbed Alex's bags and led them upstairs.  
  
When she was sure Willow and Alex were out of hearing range, Cordelia turned to Angel. "Buffy said Willow died in a car crash ten years ago," she said.  
  
"I know," Angel replied, just as confused as Cordelia was. "Why would she lie?"

* * *

Fred walked down a dark hallway followed by Alex and Willow, Willow had sighed with relief as soon as they had left the bright flourescent lights of the lobby. Even though, she knew what the darkness held, Willow always felt safer in the dark. Especially now, she was convinced that in the dark, they could tell what she'd done. Fred stopped by a door that was of reddish wood and opened it. Willow stared around the room, it was too bright.  
  
_I see a red door and I want it painted black,  
No colors anymore, I want them to turn back.  
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes,  
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes._  
  
Willow gave Fred her best fake smile and the woman left the room that Willow and Alex would be occupying until they had to go. Alex yawned loudly and the redhead gazed at him. "Alex, why don't you get ready for bed," she told him, ruffling his hair.  
  
He nodded and dug into his bag for his Scooby Doo pajamas, Alex scurried to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Willow stared after her son, she had immediately fallen in love with it when they'd been shopping for his school clothes at the end of summer the year before. The first thing she'd ever gotten since she'd been banished from Sunnydale that reminded her of her friends.  
  
_I see a line of cars and they're all painted black,  
With flowers and my love, both never to come back.  
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away,  
Like a newborn baby, it just happens ev'ry day._  
  
Steven had grinned at her choice. "I loved Scooby Doo when I was younger," he had said.  
  
"I had some friends when I was younger and we went by the Scooby Gang, we went everywhere together," Willow had replied, lost in her memories of the good old days when she, Buffy and Xander, even Giles and Dawn had been so close, they were like family.  
  
"That's the most you've told me about your life before you moved to New York since we've met," Steven had answered.  
  
Willow had frowned. "We had a bad falling out," she had stated vaguely. And that was the last time they'd talked about the Scooby Gang.  
  
_I look inside myself and see my heart is black,  
I see my red door and I must have it painted black.  
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts,  
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black._  
  
Alex slipped into bed with a yawn and was asleep in an instant. Willow stroked Alex's hair as he snored softly, he was so adorable when he slept. She loved her son so much. She never knew she could feel so deeply for someone, she'd thought she was close with Xander, Oz, Tara and Steven...but the bond with her son was amazing. She would do anything to protect him. As she thought about her feelings toward her son, she felt bitter toward her own parents.  
  
_Parents..._ she scoffed. _If you could call them that._ Her parents had been more worried about her getting the wrong idea about King Friday than loving her or spending time with her. The closest thing to parents she'd had had been Mrs. Summers and Giles. She sat up in the bed and wondered about her friends. What had happened...had Anya and Xander gotten married? Had Buffy ever forgiven her? How were Dawn, Tara and Spike? Did anyone even miss her?  
  
She looked toward the phone and pulled the handset off the cradle. She dialed the Summers' residence and listened as a female voice answered the phone. "Hello, Trejo residence," she said. Willow hung up the phone and pulled her legs to her chest.  
  
_No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue,  
I could not forsee this thing happening to you.  
If I look hard enough into the settin' sun,  
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes._  
  
Things had changed so much. She had a son, Cordelia had a son, Buffy and Dawn had moved out. "Things never stay the same even when you want them to," she whispered.  
  
Alex moaned and rolled over in the bed, Willow cocked her head and watched him sleep, she knew that she would be unable to do so. She brushed a kiss across Alex's forehead and left the room, she needed to go for a walk. As she walked, she paused in front of a mirror, she looked like hell and that was a nice way of putting it. Her hair was stringy, her eyes were bloodshot, dark circles were under her eyes and she was much paler than usual.  
  
Her hands skimmed over the bannister as she walked down the stairs. She caught sight of Angel in an office, talking on the phone. He seemed angry and she felt her stomach drop. Did he know?  
  
_I see a red door and I want it painted black,  
No colors anymore, I want them to turn back.  
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes,  
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes._  
  
She clenched the bannister, wondering if she should wake Alex up and go somewhere else. Maybe they should leave the country? She shook her head, she had used most of her leftover money to get tickets and she couldn't afford much else.  
  
Willow bit her bottom lip as she cautiously went downstairs to catch Angel's conversation. She slipped behind the countertop, out of sight, listening intently to the conversation. "What is wrong with you, Buffy? Willow's your best friend! How could you do that to her?" he demanded.  
  
The redhead closed her eyes and took a relaxing breath. _Oh, Goddess, thank you,_ she thought. She stood up and watched the conversation. Angel paused as Buffy stated her piece. "She made a mistake. You're telling me **you've** never made a mistake before. Like after you killed The Master! You almost got Willow, Cordelia, Xander, Rupert and Jenny killed!"  
  
Sorrow flashed over Angel's face as Buffy commented and Willow could guess what Buffy had said. He slammed the receiver down and ran a hand through his spiky hair. "Willow," he said as he spotted her.  
  
"Hi," she said softly. "I couldn't sleep."  
  
Angel nodded. "What happened to you?" he asked.  
  
"Wh-what do you mean?" she stuttered.  
  
"Buffy told me ten years ago that you'd died in a car crash," he stated.  
  
"She did?" Willow asked, closing her eyes. "I became a magick junkie, almost killed Dawnie and Buffy kicked me out of Sunnydale. I went to New York."  
  
Angel nodded toward the wedding ring on her ring finger. "And got married?" he asked. "Where's your husband?"  
  
"H-he died," Willow stammered, slipping the ring off.  
  
"Oh..." Angel said.

* * *

Three-thousand miles away in New York, a man entered the Sullivan residence. There had been a report of shots fired and he had been assigned to investigate it. There were obvious signs of a struggle and he cautiously made his way through the suburban home. At the end of a hallway, in an open door, a man lay, a shot through his chest.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "You moron, Stephanos," he groaned and the man stirred.  
  
"Dominic," Steven Sullivan muttered and Dominic helped the man to his feet. There was a slurping sound as the wound healed.  
  
"You were supposed to kill the bitch and get the child! Not get killed yourself!" Dominic scowled. "You know what this child could do to Thanatos!"  
  
"Yes, Dominic, I know," Stephanos muttered.  
  
"She's a looker for a human," Dominic stated. "This child will let us rule the world."  
  
_I wanna see your face painted black, black as night, black as coal.  
Don't wanna see the sun, flyin' high in the sky.  
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black, yeah!_


End file.
